The Invisible Pressures of Motherhood
What really happens to couples when they become parents? Why do so many mothers feel like they’re carrying the world on their shoulders while their partners don’t feel the same pressure?
These are the questions Dr. Molly Millwood has been exploring for years in her clinical practice and in her book To Have and To Hold. On our Equal-ish podcast, Molly joined us to go deeper into the hidden forces shaping parenthood today.
The Rise of Intensive Parenting
One of the most striking statistics Molly shared is that a working mother today spends as much time with her children as a stay-at-home mother did in the 1970s. That means women are working more than ever and doing just as much parenting as before. The pressure to be constantly present leads to exhaustion, guilt, and overwhelm.
And while mothers absorb these demands almost invisibly, many fathers remain insulated from them, sometimes even bewildered by their partner’s stress. This gap isn’t just about workload. It seeps into how couples connect.
The Resentment Gap
Molly named resentment as the biggest relationship killer she sees in couples. Unlike anger or frustration, resentment builds slowly, fueled by disparity: mothers’ lives being turned upside down while fathers often carry on with fewer disruptions. Layer on top the fact that women tend to be more emotionally attuned (thanks to how we socialize boys vs. girls), and you get what Molly calls a “double whammy” for mothers:
They’re more affected by the demands of parenthood.
They often feel their partner doesn’t truly get their inner world.
No wonder so many couples slip into a painful cycle of disconnection.
One of the most powerful concepts from Molly’s work is invisible male power—the subtle, often unconscious ways men’s needs are prioritised in heterosexual relationships. For example, women are more likely to ask permission (“Is it okay if I stay late at work?”) while men tend to inform (“I’ve got to stay late”). Neither partner may notice this imbalance—but over time it reinforces inequality at home.
As Molly put it: “The answer is making invisible male power visible. Once we see it, change begins.”
What Can Help?
Policy change matters: Research shows fathers who take parental leave become more emotionally attuned—not just to their children, but in their relationships.
Conversation matters: Books like Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight give couples a framework for practicing emotional connection.
Awareness matters: Naming these dynamics—resentment, intensive parenting, invisible male power—helps couples notice them in real time, rather than being blindsided.
As Molly reminded us, “There are no neat solutions to life’s messy problems.” But awareness is the first step.
You can listen to the full conversation with Molly Millwood on the Equal-ish podcast here.