Let’s Talk Maternal Gatekeeping.(to the Woman Who’s Tired of Being Told to “Do Better”)
I’ve been thinking a lot about the comments that come up whenever we talk about maternal gatekeeping:
“She wouldn’t have to choose her words if he’d just get it right.”
“It’s weaponised incompetence.”
“Why is this just another thing women are doing wrong?”
“Stop telling mothers to mother their partners.”
I want to speak directly to the women behind those comments — because I hear the exhaustion in every single one.
You’re not wrong.
You have been carrying more than your share.
You have absorbed years of being the default parent, the project manager, the safety net, the “just tell me what you need” translator.
And when you’ve lived through that, it is infuriating to hear one more message that seems to imply:
“If you just communicated better, he would step up.”
That is not what I’m saying.
And that is not what maternal gatekeeping actually means.
A truth that’s uncomfortable:
Maternal gatekeeping is not about blame. It’s about impact.
It’s the microsystems inside the relationship — the tiny moments, often born from survival — that accidentally reinforce the imbalance neither of you consciously asked for.
When you correct how he packs the bag because you’re the one who will suffer the consequences if something’s forgotten.
When you step in because your child is crying and your body goes into overdrive.
When you judge his contribution through the lens of your own invisible load.
Here’s the thing most people don’t want to say out loud:
Maternal gatekeeping doesn’t cause the imbalance. It sustains the imbalance that society already handed you.
The point of talking about this is not to tell women to do better.
It’s to say:
You deserve a partnership where you don’t have to hold so much.
And the path to that is messy and shared.
Calling out weaponised incompetence matters.
Calling out societal norms matters.
Calling out men to step up absolutely matters.
But we also need a brave space to look at the subtle patterns we’ve internalised — not because they’re our fault, but because they’re the part we can actually influence.
This is not about “mothering your partner.”
It’s about:
Setting boundaries that protect your capacity.
Letting him learn in real time without jumping in.
Telling the truth about resentment before it calcifies.
Allowing the relationship to recalibrate, not just survive.
**You’re not the problem.
But you are powerful.**
And if we want to raise a generation of kids who see two parents who can parent, lead, and love not just one parent holding the system together then we have to talk about all the dynamics, not just the ones that are comfortable.
This conversation is not a critique of mothers. It’s an invitation to liberation.
Listen to our Equal-ish episodes where we get deep into maternal gatekeeping with the expert Dr Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan.